Hope

This is a photo of our poor neglected tomato plant. I stopped watering the plants over a week ago...I've just gotten busy and the season is ending and my attention to the plants is waning. Today I walked out the back of the house and noticed that our little tomato plant has two new blossoms, and one red tomato. The top part of it wilted and died mid-summer. It didn't seem to phase the plant, which went on to produce quite a few tomatoes. Those little blossoms gave me hope today.

Recently I have been feeling like the brown, dead part of the plant. Without going into a lot of detail, I'm having to make a very difficult decision that I'd prefer to just not deal with. It's a decision that is challenging, because, like most, it is impossible to have all the facts. This decision will have to be based on a lot of what if's and projections, and since it involvs my health, I am hesitant to base my decision on shaky ground.

This has left me feeling dead and dry, sad about my life and sorry for myself. I am not doing a good job of just dealing with the cards I have been dealt. I am spending my energy asking 'Why me?' and wishing fervently for this whole thing to go away.

Those two, tiny yellow blossoms on the tomato plant I'd given up on give me just an inkling of hope that this might turn out ok. That my friends, family, and my faith will watch out for me and the millions of scary thoughts that run through my head just might not happen. I am a bit more hopeful today. I am striving to be ok with my fate and to continue to blossom, even though things are hard right now. Here's to hope.

Epic Lunch

For lunch today, we dined on a trio of bruschetta: traditional tomato (with farmer's market tomatoes and homegrown basil), avocado (made with James' jalepeno "pesto"...we're not sure what to call it, but it is spicy, smoky, and delicious), and eggplant (roasted eggplant with feta) all on farmer's market baguette.

Dessert was a cream cheese/chocolate swirl brownie made by a coworker's sister we brought home from their fun dinner party last night.

Have I mentioned that I love summer? Right now, everyone on the East coast is mourning the end of summer and celebrating the coming of fall. I love living in the West, where the temps are cooling and it feels more fall-like, but we're still in the full bounty of summer produce, with (hopefully) several more weeks of corn and tomatoes to come.

Panther Power

Yesterday I introduced myself to 400 elementary school kids at a school-wide assembly. I put up my Panther Paw when I noticed another teacher raising hers (this is the "quiet" signal). I looked around at the kids in the room and felt their energy and enthusiasm. I thought to myself..."I think I can do this!"

I haven't updated in so long, because life has been a crazy whirlwind of change and busyness. I just started a new job as the library paraprofessional at an elementary school in Denver. I am completely in charge of our library & computer lab, and soon it will be full of kids all day long. Kids I will read books to and discuss topics they're working on in school. Kids who will try to change all the icons on the computer and listen to music programs they aren't supposed to have access to, and will probably do a google image search for "haciendo amor." And I am excited! This school has a wonderful, positive energy. It has struggled, but it is improving, growing, and changing. These kids and teachers work hard. The school has a dual-language immersion program for age 3-3rd grade, so all kids are instructed in 50% English & 50% Spanish. They graduate the program as bi-literate individuals. The early childhood & kindergarten program is a Montessori program. I really think I'm going to like it here, even though I know nothing about library science and I'm making things up as I go along.

Leaving the Butterfly Pavilion was hard, but I am ready to try a new experiment in the formal education world. I had never quit a job because I was wanting something new. I'd only ever quit because I was moving or graduating or something like that. This was something new, but it was good. And it feels like I'm taking the right step.

Ask me in a month how I'm feeling, but right now I am happy to be a Panther! (my new mascot)

E'toy llena

Guys. How can it possibly be July? There is just no way that's possible. I think this summer has gone by at warp speed, and the fact that it is mid-July is just about impossible for me to fathom. I had really high hopes for this summer, since I wouldn't be planning a wedding. Don't get me wrong, this summer has been a blast, but it has gone by way too fast! Anyway, I digress. Here's what I actually wanted to write about.

The hardest part of yoga for me has always been those beginning moments when the instructor asks the class to sit quietly, to turn ourselves to our breath and listen to our bodies, and above all, to sit still. Two years of yoga practice later, I am still the one fidgeting when I am supposed to be sitting cross-legged, with my hands resting on my knees, palms facing up. While I fidget, I love this posture. Sitting with my cupped palms facing the sky, I feel open to possibility, open to the great vastness of the universe. It is really an awe-inspiring feeling.

Today, as I was driving home from work in rush hour traffic, a sense of gratitude washed over me. My hands literally felt full with the beautiful things happening in my life. I decided to make a list to remember the moment. I am feeling very full with gratitude about these things:

• a cookie when I needed it most: I didn't pack enough food for work today, and by 4 pm I was hungry and without a snack. Luckily, a coworker shared some truly epic chocolate chip pecan cookies.
• a fan: Our AC is broken at work during one of the hottest weeks this summer. It's hot. Luckily, my cube-mate realized that our space heater also has a cool "fan" option. While it was still pretty toasty, our cube remained significantly cooler than the rest of the office.
• good friends: One of my very good friends, Kimberly, and her sister came through Denver last night on the tail end of their epic-sounding road trip. I haven't seen her in almost a year. It was so wonderful to have her here and to realize how easily we fell back into talking normally with one another, cuddling on the couch and reminiscing about past times together. It was really wonderful.
• good music: Music has an amazing effect on one's mood. On my drive home today, I popped in the CD James' cousin made. I haven't listened to it in a long time, but the singer/songwriter style, poignant lyrics, and fun instrumentals made for a very pleasant ride home. Such honest, open music & singing.
• calm within the storm: These next few weeks are going to be so crazy. Somehow I (so far) seem to be holding it together. While a mix of work and personal responsibilities are making the next month seem insurmountable at times, I am still finding time for yoga, cooking, watching Big Bang Theory episodes, and reading for pleasure. Life is good.
• possibility: There are a lot of changes coming for me, many of which I'm not ready to share at this point. It feels good that there are some unknowns in my life. They don't feel as terrifying as they did earlier, and it seems like there is just so much potential.

Overall, I feel peaceful tonight. As I used to tell my Dominican host mother when I couldn't possibly fit another bite of rice & beans into my stomach, "E'toy llena*." [I'm full.]

*Yes, it should be Estoy llena. Dominicans do not say their "s's."

Foodie at heart?

Is it a good sign that I was planning out my breakfast while still half asleep in bed this morning? I don't really consider myself a foodie, just a lover of quality food, but in true foodie fashion, I had a vision by the time I got into the kitchen this morning. What I wanted was a sprouted wheat bagel with butter and a few chocolate chips sprinkled on it. (Don't worry, I also had a half with cream cheese and jam, much more normal and less filled with saturated fat.) That buttery, chocolatey bagel half was total perfection and exactly what my body wanted. Perfect with a cup of fresh, small batch roasted fair trade coffee from the farmers' market.

There is such satisfaction in really being in tune with your body and honoring what it wants. Yes, often my body wants chocolate or a second piece of cake. I do not always give in. But I am always surprised that when I really listen, my body often craves greens or veggies or fruit. My body really does know best and I try hard to honor it.

Tonight I honored my brain's wants: to make use of the yummy, local goat cheese in my fridge in the form of pizza with homemade crust and sauce, topped with cremini mushrooms, spinach, sun-dried tomatoes, a sprinkle of mozzarella, and creamy dollops of goat cheese. Amazing!

Also, all of my Google Buzz updates are about food. I am obsessed.

Sound Bite

Me: "What do we call the special case that a caterpillar makes around its body?"

Girl: "A racoon!!"



**I know my blog has been all about kids recently, but honestly, it is spring time and my work life revolves around school children visiting the BP on field trips. So enjoy.

Authors

A third grader asked for my autograph today. I can't think of a better highlight of my day/week.

One aspect of my job is helping with a program called G.R.O.W. which provides science education for some area K-3rd grade students in two school districts with relatively high low-income family populations. The BP works with two other science/cultural organizations to provide a really quality science program for these schools, tied to state standards, of course. Over the course of the program, each classroom writes a non-fiction book. I spent about two weeks going to several of these classrooms to help put their book into a program that will print a real book the kids get to keep. I LOVE this. How many elementary school students get to write a real book that is published in professional-looking book form? They are always very creative and the kids think it is so cool. In my current role, I interact with these kids for literally 30 minutes (it used to be more when I did their classroom programs as well).

At our family night tonight, I led some of the book reading sessions. After each school's session, we let the kids autograph each others' books [they are famous published authors now, you see]. They often ask their teachers to sign their books, but I've never been asked. [Remember, I am just the person behind the computer typing in their text and adding pictures.]

So yes, it was a huge deal when the third grader asked for my autograph. I asked if he was sure, and he said, "Yes, because you helped us."

Don't ever tell me that kids aren't perceptive or that kids from low-income schools aren't conscientious or bright. I wish everyone got to spend time with the elementary school kids at their area schools. It's hard to write them off as "kids these days" when you know just how much they care, notice, and appreciate the adults in their lives.

Sorry to get all preachy. Two years ago I was terrified of entering a classroom and teaching 30-50 elementary school kids at a time. Now, elementary school kids are some of my favorite people.